


Let's Start a War (Start a Nuclear War)

by Froggimus_Rex



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Cage Fights, F/F, undercover in a gay bar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 17:07:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Froggimus_Rex/pseuds/Froggimus_Rex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or: that time Skye and May went undercover in a gay bar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Start a War (Start a Nuclear War)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alsomeansbloody](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alsomeansbloody/gifts).



> Takes place at some vague point between episodes 1x09 and 1x10, and (presumably) before Captain America: the Winter Soldier.
> 
> Title from Electric Six's "Gay Bar".

This place was a dive. Actually, Skye reflected as she glanced around the bar, taking in the scuffed and chipped formica countertops, the concrete walls, bare of everything except graffiti, the mismatched stools and an even more 'eclectic' collection of glasses the tattooed and faux-hawked bartender was serving drinks in, the threadbare table a pair of women were shooting pool at, all while trying not to seem like she was staring or looking _too_ often in the direction May had gone, dive was possibly too classy a term for _The Little Dutch Boi_.

And yet, this still managed not to be the worst drinking hole she'd ever found herself in.

She scratched a thumbnail across the near completely faded out Captain America decal on the jelly jar the beer she wasn't drinking had come in and wondered if she should she stash in her purse for Coulson. Probably not. Maybe if it was mint she'd get away with it, but like this she figured she'd be in for a lecture.

Mid-contemplation of the collector value of vintage superhero memorabilia, she started as someone who obviously had _no_ concept of personal space pressed up against her side, giving Faux-hawk her order, before the perkiest Valley Girl drawl that ever drawled "God, this place is just, like, the worst, don't you think?" in Skye's ear.

Skye actually had a whole speech about appropriate stranger distances lined up, one that'd she'd perfected over years of skeevy guys in skeevier bars, but turning closed that little space was left between the two of them and she lost her train of thought. This close she could only really register green eyes, red pigtails, and, well, cleavage, which she normally wouldn't have noticed right away but usually the only breasts she got _this_ up close and personal with were her own. "...wha?"

"I mean, like, sorry if this is your fave hangout or something, but it's a totally dump, like for reals." Skye registered an impression of coral pink nails and matching lipstick as the other girl tossed back her drink and flashed her a grin that she couldn't help but return, if awkwardly. "By the way, you can call me Nat."

"Skye. And it's not." It really was for the best there hadn't been anywhere near enough stools for her to sit at the bar, she decided. The only way she could have been more undignified right now would've been by falling off her seat and onto her ass. "My hangout."

And apparently she'd been wrong about there being no more personal space between them, because at that, Nat had somehow managed to press in even closer, hooking fingers in the belt-loops of Skye's jeans. "Great. Wanna get out of here?" she asked, her drawl going husky.

Skye hadn't been expecting that, though in retrospect, maybe she should have. She twisted her head, looking for May. Where had she gone, anyway? "Y'know, I'm not sure that's such a great idea. Flattered though."

"I can totally, like, change your mind about that." The next thing Skye knew there were fingers on her jaw, turning her face back towards Nat's, and...okay, now there was kissing.

 _Great_ kissing.

It wasn't like she'd _never_ done something like this before, but just about about the only similarities between those awkward, fumbling experiences were soft lips and the taste of cheap vodka. That and the fact she was torn between flailing and just going with it.

"What is going on here?"

The whipcrack of May's voice was like a verbal cold shower and Skye didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Both, basically. "I swear, it's not what it looks like," she said, belatedly remembering to try, unsuccessfully as it turned out, to disentangle herself from Nat.

May simply raised one eyebrow "Really?"

The last time Skye'd been the focus of May's glare it'd been instantly cowing. Hell, right now she felt pretty damn cowed just being in her eyeline. Nat, however, didn't even seem to notice it, her eyes rolled, her lips (which Skye _really_ needed to stop focusing on) pursed. "Aw, man, don't tell me your mom decided to tag along?"

May didn't even noticeably move, but instantly something changed about her that everyone with even the slightest scrap of sobriety picked up on. The chatter in the bar stilled, in her peripheral vision Skye could see women putting down their drinks, standing from their seats. "This is me asking you to step off. Nicely."

Honestly, that really was asking nicely for May, pity Nat didn't seem to appreciate it. "Why don't you make me?" Skye swore that if Nat'd been chewing gum, she would've just snapped it.

May didn't even bother answering, out loud at least, instead reaching to pull Nat off Skye. As her hand closed on Nat's bicep, Nat threw the first punch, a sloppy right cross that snapped May's head back as it connected.

At that moment, the bar could've heard the proverbial pin drop, but the bouncer's roar was much louder. Not surprising, since she looked like she could've given the Hulk a run for his money. "Rules, ladies. You want to continue this, you go out the back."

Which was how Skye came to be standing a outside a wire cage in the dingy backroom of a seedy lesbian bar, waiting for May about to go at it with the freaking Black Widow. She was starting to wonder if this was one of those days she should have just stayed in bed.

***

Skye woke to FitzSimmons arguing outside her alcove door and a cheek pressed firmly against her keyboard. She blinked blearily as she raised her head, it'd been a while since she'd actually fallen asleep on her computer as opposed to at it.

Scrubbing a hand over her face, she could feel the pattern impressed on her skin. Waffle face, that was always a fun thing to wake up to. She eyed the mess of gibberish that now filled the text file, that'd probably run up a flag with whichever hapless flunky had to monitor her keystrokes.

"I'm awake," she called out just as FitzSimmons reached the point of debating her sleepwear choices. "And dressed. _Fitz_."

"Brilliant." Which had been all the cue the pair had needed to burst into her alcove like a pair of overexcited puppies. "Skye, you'll never believe what's happened."

Leo was practically vibrating as he finished for Jemma "We have a visitor."

"We do? When did we land?" Skye was sure she'd have noticed that happening. She placed a hand against the wall, checking for vibrations. "And take off again?" How long had she been asleep?

"That's the thing, we didn't. Leo and I were working in lab when Agent May told us to lock things down over the comm."

"Because she was opening the cargo door, see, and there was a Quinjet, coming right up behind us it was. Then, right as it looked like it was going to hit us, it veered off."

"But, right before it did, _she_ jumped across, right into the cargo bay."

"Cool as you please."

"We'd have called you down to see, but it was already over before we could get to a comm."

Well, that explained things. Sort of. "Who jumped across?"

"Agent Romanov." "The Black Widow."

"...the Battle of New York Black Widow, the one with the leather and the jumping on Captain America's shield?" Of all the shaky cell-phone footage taken during the battle, that shot got the fastest post-'DMCA spelled S.H.I.E.L.D.'-takedown reuploads by far.

"The one and the same. What I wouldn't give to get my hands on her..."

" _Leo._ "

"...tech. On her tech."

"Right, so why do we have an Avenger on the Bus?"

Jemma opened her mouth to reply, then closed it again, before finally "We don't know. Yet. We're supposed to fetch you for a briefing."

"It's probably a mission. But if we're lucky, she could be here to fight May."

Skye thought about asking why that, once you got FitzSimmons started on office gossip it took a crisis to get them to stop. Lucky they had so many of those, then.

"They've got two of the highest unarmed combat ratings in the agency. Most agents have bets on who'd win in a fight."

"But the _real_ winner would be whoever got to watch."

***

She almost couldn't bear to watch. It wasn't because the fight was bloody or brutal, or from some lingering fear that May or Black Widow would actually harm each other. Literally. This fight was none of those things. At all.

Skye would freely admit she barely knew the first thing about fighting, let alone the second or third, but even she could see how _badly_ they were fighting. It was like neither of them had ever thrown a punch before. They left themselves open to blows the other didn't take, somehow overextending _and_ failing to follow through on the ones they did.

As if to underscore Skye's line of thought, May leapt at the Widow with a cry straight out of a kung-fu b-movie, tackling her to the ground so she could start pulling her hair.

In short, this was a fight that was mesmerising in its sheer badness, and the crowd was eating it up.

Which, to be fair, was the entire point.

Carefully, carefully, trying not to draw too much attention Skye moved through the spectators, keeping in mind May's instructions stick close to edge of the crowd rather than leave it. All around her women cheered, calling out encouragement, or laughing when May or Widow made a particularly boneheaded move. She just hoped they could keep it up long enough for her to do her job. Scratch that, right now, she just hoped she could do her job.

Much to FitzSimmons's disappointment, once the team had gathered in the briefing room, May and Widow had not immediately lunged at each other to the sound of battle cries much like the one they were now making, instead outlining the mission that was now making Skye question why she thought 'hey, I should become a field agent' was a good idea in the first place.

Weirdly, May had taken point on the briefing, Widow not talking with Coulson in a completely different (and much more uncomfortable) way to how May usually didn't talk to people. According to Widow, it wasn't just not-exactly-legal cage-fights that were being run through the backroom of _The Little Dutch Boi_. The owner's at might have been more grey than black, but she had a lot of fingers in a lot of...okay, that metaphor couldn't go anywhere good, long story short, S.H.I.E.L.D. was very interested in hearing about some of those pies, and in order to do that, they needed to get inside the backroom.

Or rather _Skye_ needed to get to the office at the back of the backroom, plant the bug Fitz had given her ('Just get it in the door, then this little fellow'll find himself somewhere cosy to hide'), then get back into the crowd without getting noticed. Simple, right?

Except for Brickhouse the bouncer not failing her spot check right as Skye left the office and asking oh-so-menacingly what she was doing.

Skye aimed for somewhere between innocent and embarrassed with her grin. "I thought this was the ladies, which, big mistake there." Since she didn't have the Night-Night gun handy, she didn't bother waiting to see if Brickhouse bought it before bolting into the crowd.

As tactics go, it more or less worked. Unfortunately, the less part involved careening into or shoving a good half-dozen women in a crowd wound up enough to be only one spilled drink away from throwing punches, let alone six. Once started, the fighting spread like like wildfire, and while Brickhouse suddenly had a lot more problems, so did Skye, like that fist she didn't see coming...

***

"...and by the time I woke up, we were already at the extraction point." Skye pressed the icepack more firmly against her temple. "May was in the middle of calling you guys."

"What? That's it?"

"Yeah, that's it." Except that she'd been slung over Widow's shoulder at the time, but Fitz's stare was already incredulous enough without mentioning what the first thing she'd seen on waking was.

"But... it was the Black Widow and the Cavalry. Two S.H.I.E.L.D. legends. Fighting side by side against unbeatable odds. And you missed the whole thing because you were unconscious."

Could he have at least tried to sound sympathetic about the unconscious part? "It was an overgrown bar-brawl, not the Alamo. Plus it's not like I Bella Swaned myself on purpose." Man, it was hard to glare with Simmons shining a penlight in her eyes. Speaking of...

"Skye, eyes on me, please, you can try to kill Leo with your mind after I make sure you don't have a concussion." She clicked the light off with a sigh. "I do wish we could know what happened. Maybe if we asked them nicely?"

The three of them considered it a moment, then shook their heads as one, Skye wincing and reapplying the icepack. "Like that'd work."

 

"You never know, stranger things have happened."

"Agent May." Simmons could possibly have whirled about more guiltily, though Skye wasn't sure _how_ exactly. "I didn't see you there" Obviously, or they wouldn't have been talking about them.

May didn't give any indication of having heard Skye and FitzSimmons's conversation, but that was hardly reassuring, since it it _was_ May. "You done with Skye?"

Simmons made one final notation on her tablet. "The physical hasn't flagged anything, so she's all yours. Just don't take a nap anytime soon, Skye." May made no move to, well, move. "And I just remembered, Fitz and I were about to go help Agent Ward...with his thing."

"We were? Oh, right, we were. It's very important we help Ward with his thing."

Having been abandoned by FitzSimmons, Skye braced herself for whatever lecture May was planning. 

"You did okay out there today."

Was that a compliment? "Even with setting off a the biggest barfight I've ever not seen?"

"I said you did okay, not great. You got the important part done, and Natasha and I have had worse exfils." Of course May was on a first name basis with Black Widow, figured. "Besides, when Fitz and Simmons start sharing your version of mission, the betting poll on us'll go through the roof."

"You know about that betting pool?"

"Who do you think used to run it?" 

The seed of suspicion that'd been planted somewhere between the french-kissing and the Jersey Shore reenactment burst into full-bloom. "This mission wasn't actually necessary. Was it?"

"All S.H.I.E.L.D. missions are necessary to the security of this country." May's tone was even drier and blander than usual, but Skye could see the smile. The corners of May's mouth were barely quirked up, but it was right there.

"So, the part were she made-out with me was _vital_ to national security?"

"Actually, I think she just did that because she wanted to." Wait, what? "Now go tell Ward you need to work on your hand-to-hand, because you really were terrible at that."

"Uh, May, can we go back to the part where you apparently said Black Widow wanted to kiss me." But May was already headed out the door. "May, that's _not_ funny. May!"


End file.
